


Thor; God of Thunder, Caffeine and Beyonce

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Stark Technologies, For All Your Text and E-mail Requirements [7]
Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Bromance, Caffeine, Crack, Crack Fic, Domestic Avengers, Drabble, Ficlet, Humor, Humour, M/M, Texting, caps!Thor, friendship fic, lolololol, stark technologies, text fic, tony is beautiful, troll!loki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-25
Updated: 2012-06-25
Packaged: 2017-11-08 13:21:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/443622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Texts and e-mails from various Avengers characters.</p><p> </p><p>Thor discovers the joys of caffeine, and everyone else promptly discovers the dark side. Bruce keeps getting mysterious texts from an unknown number. Tony gets stuck under a couch. It's all happening in Stark Towers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Thor; God of Thunder, Caffeine and Beyonce

**Author's Note:**

> Credit for the idea of a caffeinated Thor goes to Rhian, my university pal, who will probably read this and realise she could have done a much better job.
> 
> Also, I am currently ill, so the quality of this may be very poor indeed. I can only *sneeze* apologise *coughs, rubs snot all over face*

Bruce, you have to help me. It’s genuinely a matter of life or death.

\- Tony

 

Like that time you needed me to come round and open a jar of pickles for you? You told me THAT was a matter of life and death. Turned out you’d sprained your thumb. On a teatowel.

\- Bruce

 

If you don’t help me, there is a very real possibility that I won’t make it to sunset.

\- Tony

 

And I love sunset.

\- Tony

 

Bruce, my dearest friend, would you really begrudge a man in the prime of his life the chance to watch the dying sun over a beautiful city sky with his one true love?

\- Tony

 

Because that’s what you’ll be doing if you don’t stop ignoring me!

\- Tony

 

I see how it is. Fine.

\- Tony

 

Ten vials of any chemical element of your choice from my lab. Come on.

\- Tony

 

BRUCE PLEASE

\- Tony

 

ELEVEN

\- Tony

 

You do realize you sent all those texts in the space of 40 seconds? How was I meant to reply quick enough? Jesus, hold your horses. I’m coming.

\- Bruce

 

What’s the problem, anyway?

\- Bruce

 

Two words, my green-fingered friend; IT’S ARMAGEDDON

\- Tony

 

??

\- Bruce

 

I introduced Thor to coffee.

\- Tony

 

Oh, Jesus Christ, Joseph and Mary. Why would you do that?

\- Bruce

 

Suit up. This could get messy.

\- Bruce

 

It already has! My angora carpets, Bruce. All of the carpets. Ruined.

\- Tony

 

It’s your fault. Give me twenty minutes.

\- Bruce

 

My dead body will be there to greet you.

\- Tony

 

-

 

When the cat is away, the mice will play.

\- Unknown number

 

... Tony? Is that your idea of a creepy joke or something? Because I am NOT coming round to save your ass if so.

\- Bruce

 

Do not insult me. Do I sound like Tony to you?

\- Unknown number

 

Well, you know, actually, yes. This is exactly the sort of douchey thing he would do. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Cat and mouse. Interesting. Reading a riddle book, are we?

\- Bruce

 

Oh, please. My middle name is ‘Trickster’. Like I need a book of petty riddles for reference.

\- Unknown number

 

This conversation is dragging on a bit. Can I save you in my contacts as ‘Cryptic Idiot’ and move on? I’m actually kind of busy right now, but we can do this ridiculous thing – whatever it is – later.

\- Bruce

 

You concede defeat so readily? I scorn you.

\- Unknown number

 

Huh? Defeat? Who said anything about defeat? I just have to stop a demi god from drooling on carpets that cost more than the entire state of Alaska, no big deal.

\- Bruce

 

I totally did win, though.

\- Unknown number

 

There was no competition!! Go away, I am extremely important.

\- Bruce

 

Not as important as me.

\- Unknown number

 

To the power of infinity.

\- Unknown number

 

PLUS ONE.

\- Unknown number

 

You can’t beat infinity plus one. Ha! Beaten again!

\- Unknown number

 

Stop ignoring me, it’s no fun taunting you if you’re not there.

\- Unknown number

 

If you don’t reply within the next ten seconds, that means I win again.

\- Unknown number

 

Ha! Such a LOSER. You look like such an ass.

\- Unknown number

 

Please reply?

\- Unknown number

 

-

 

If Bruce doesn’t get here soon, you’re not going to have a devastatingly attractive and intelligent significant other to return home to.

\- Tony

 

I’m sure that sentence makes sense in a parallel universe, but not this one. Explain?

\- Steve

 

‘Parallel universe’? Who have you been talking to?

\- Tony

 

Thor has eaten three jars of coffee and he’s currently bouncing off the walls.

\- Tony

 

Literally. He’s got footprints all over the curtains.

\- Tony

 

And whose big idea was it to introduce him to coffee in the first place? I seem to recall you crowing about how funny it would be to – and I quote – ‘get the big guy high on the good stuff’. I have literally no sympathy for you. Hide under the sofa or something.

\- Steve

 

I am a strong, independent, almost unbelievably attractive young man at the peak of his life and beauty. I am NOT going to hide under my sofa like some pansy.

\- Tony

 

I’m taking from your lack of response that you don’t care. Fine. See if you get any tonight. Because you won’t. Also, the couch in your room has like no room under it. It’s a good thing I’m so toned and trim, or we’d have a problem.

\- Tony

 

Not that I’m hiding under it, you realize. I just inspected it because it’s in my house and it’s ugly.

\- Tony

 

Oh, stop looking at your phone like that. I can feel your snarky amusement from here.

\- Tony

 

-

 

I heard it on the grapevine that you’ve got yourself into a spot of bother, my dearest and most idiotic brother.

\- Unknown number

 

LOKI IS THAT YOU? IT IS I, THOR, GOD OF THUNDER! HO, I AM IN NO TROUBLE! I AM VERY HAPPY INDEED! I AM FULL OF BOUNDLESS ENERGY!

\- Thor

 

IT IS ALL DUE TO THESE MAGIC BEANS THAT FRIEND TONY SHOWED ME

\- Thor

 

THEY TASTED LIKE DESPAIR AND FROST GIANT BLOOD BUT THE EFFECTS WERE MOST PLEASANT

\- Thor

 

THUS, I HAVE EATEN MANY MORE! A WISER DECISION, I HAVE TRULY NEVER MADE!

\- Thor

 

I can well believe it, brother. I seem to recall a particularly intelligent and well-informed decision you made a short while ago. Ooh, what was it... oh yes, storming into Jotunheim.

\- Unknown number

 

BRUCE IS HERE

\- Thor

 

I MUST GREET HIM BY PERFORMING THE DANCE OF OUR PEOPLE

\- Thor

 

OF COURSE, HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT OUR PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE A DANCE

\- Thor

 

IT SHALL BE THE DANCE OF THE PEOPLE OF LADY BEYONCE

\- Thor

 

BUT THAT SOUNDS FAR LESS ROMANTIC

\- Thor

 

FAREWELL, BROTHER. UNTIL WE TEXT AGAIN!

\- Thor

 

You’re leaving me too? You’re all so mean.

\- Unknown number

 

And by ‘mean’ I mean ‘stupid’. Obviously. I don’t care how mean any of you are. You cannot offend Loki.

\- Unknown number

 

-

 

 **_To_ ** _: Steve Rogers, Bruce Banner, Clint Barton, Natasha Romanoff, Pepper Potts_

 **_From_ ** _: Tony Stark_

 **_Subject_ ** _: This is the final frontier_

Today, I leave you. Though it makes me quiver with fright and dismay at the thought of leaving my dear, dear friends, I fear I have no choice. Sadly, a coffee-fuelled demi god with particularly lustrous locks is running rampant in my living room. Thus, I leave my last will and testament.

Firstly, I would request that a statue be erected of me in the town centre, but I’m wary that there may not be enough raw material to sculpt my abs and biceps, so I’ll let that one slide.

To Steve, I leave $50,000,000. Actually, you know what? You can all have that. There. Easy will. Job done.

See you in the next life.

 

 **_To_ ** _: Tony Stark_

 **_From_ ** _: Natasha Romanoff_

 **_Subject_ ** _: You are a ridiculous man_

I could write something here, but I think the title of this e-mail says it all.

I will take the $50mil, though. Thanks.

 

 **_To_ ** _: Tony Stark_

 **_From_ ** _: Pepper Potts_

 **_Subject_ ** _: Re: This is the final frontier_

I’m taking this to the tabloids, along with that picture of you in all denim. You know the one.

 

 **_To_ ** _: Pepper Potts_

 **_From_ ** _: Tony Stark_

 **_Subject_ ** _: Re: Re: This is the final frontier_

PEPPER NO

 

-

 

I can’t get Thor to calm down! What do I do?

\- Bruce

 

Oh dear. Bruce, I didn’t want to have to suggest this to you, but I think I’m going to have to.

\- Steve

 

What? If you say ‘distract him with nudity’, I will never talk to you again, Rogers.

\- Bruce

 

Don’t do that! There are cameras all over Stark Tower and Pepper’s usually watching. No, I think you’re going to have to... you know.

\- Steve

 

No, Steve, I don’t know, due to my stunning lack of telepathy.

\- Bruce

 

Fine. Hulk out. There.

\- Steve

 

I can see that didn’t go down too well.

\- Steve

 

I am NOT hulking out just to save Tony’s tower from a hurricane of caffeinated hunk that he created!

\- Bruce

 

I’m wearing my best shirt, for a start!

\- Bruce

 

No. Never. Not happening.

\- Bruce

 

Well then, good luck watching Thor destroy everything in sight.

\- Steve

 

Oh God. He’s dancing. I think it’s Beyonce.

\- Bruce

 

This is probably the worst day of my life, and I once destroyed Harlem with my ass.

\- Bruce

 

I hate all of you.

\- Bruce

 

-

 

Tony, I think I have a solution.

\- Steve

 

To what? If it’s to the problem of my stunningly statuesque physique, then you’re wrong. There’s no cure. It’s a heavy burden, but I must bear it.

\- Tony

 

To your current predicament involving a drugged up Thor.

\- Steve

 

You’re a brilliant man and your abs could almost rival mine. Tell me.

\- Tony

 

-

 

Hey Bruce, Bruce, Bruce

\- Tony

 

Bruce

\- Tony

 

Bruce

\- Tony

 

Kind of busy right now, Tony. Trying to solve a problem that YOU created, so don’t piss me off.

\- Bruce

 

Did I ever tell you that I think your mom’s really hot?

\- Tony

 

Oh. Ha. I get it. You’re trying to annoy me so I ‘hulk out’ and manage to overpower Thor. Nicely done, Stark. Way to make it obvious!

\- Bruce

 

I am not doing that. At all. No.

\- Tony

 

BRUCE

\- Tony

 

If you wanted to annoy me that much, you should have just been yourself. You don’t actually need to try.

\- Bruce

 

I’m dealing with this in my own way.

\- Bruce

 

BUT YOUR MOM HAS A GREAT RACK

\- Tony

 

BRUCE

\- Tony

 

I’M GETTING CARPET BURN IN MY CROTCH

\- Tony

 

Good. Karma.

\- Bruce

 

-

 

Have you decided to reschedule our battle of wits yet, green giant?

\- Unknown number

 

Oh, Christ on a fucking bicycle. Not you again.

\- Bruce

 

Your gods ride bicycles? How quaint. Let us play the game of life!

\- Unknown number

 

Why are you even a thing that exists?

\- Bruce

 

Go away, I don’t want to talk to you.

\- Bruce

 

I don’t want to talk to you. Jinx!

\- Unknown number

 

I win!

\- Unknown number

 

Again!

\- Unknown number

 

For the hundred-millionth time!

\- Unknown number

 

For the love of all things deep fried, won’t you leave me alone? For five seconds?

\- Bruce

 

Six seconds have passed.

\- Unknown number

 

Talk to me!

\- Unknown number

 

I command that you talk to me!

\- Unknown number

 

No!

\- Bruce

 

Leave me alone or I’ll punch you back into your own realm.

\- Bruce

 

Leave ME alone or I’ll punch YOU back into YOUR own realm!

\- Unknown number

 

HAHAHAHAHAHA

\- Unknown number

 

You’ve been Trickstered!

\- Unknown number

 

Werhwogig

\- Bruce

 

JUBHUEO

\- Bruce

 

EHTK#H[ETHJE#[THEA[HE

\- Bruce

 

H

\- Bruce

 

EHIEIHTSIR

\- Bruce

 

HIRSTJ

\- Bruce

 

-UE-[HE5YUE;LIG4W

\- Bruce

 

You Midgardians are so dull. Really. There. I have solved the problem of your thunderous, caffeinated oaf.

\- Unknown number

 

You can thank me by not throwing me into the clutches of the frost giants again.

\- Unknown number

 

PS – I definitely won that one.

\- Unknown number

 

-

 

Rumour has it you’re hilarious when you drink too much coffee.

\- Clint

 

I WOULD RESPOND IN DETAIL TO YOUR TEXT, FRIEND CLINT, BUT BRUCE IS GREEN AND SITTING ON MY HEAD

\- Thor

 

IT IS RATHER UNCOMFORTABLE BUT I AM UNABLE TO MOVE

\- Thor

 

THANK GOODNESS FOR THE FUNCTION KNOWN AS ‘PREDICTIVE TEXT’ AS I CANNOT SEE MY SCREEN

\- Thor

 

AND OTHERWISE YOU WOULD BE UNABLE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM SEMEN

\- Thor

 

Yeah, joining the Avengers initiative? Hands down, best decision of my life.

\- Clint

 

-

 

Are you still under the sofa? They’ve both gone now, you know. I’m in the living room. There’s kind of a mess but I don’t think it’s anything we can’t fix.

\- Steve

 

I’m still here. I may or may not be stuck.

\- Tony

 

Stuck? How did you manage that?

\- Steve

 

Look, it’s a case of elbows and knees and things. A bit of help wouldn’t go amiss, actually.

\- Tony

 

Give me a minute. I just stepped in a puddle of sick.

\- Steve

 

Why was I born?

\- Tony

 

-

 

So, the cameras you installed in Stark Tower.

\- Pepper

 

Really busy right now, Pep, can it wait?

\- Tony

 

Bet you’re regretting that decision now.

\- Pepper

 

What are you on about, woman?

\- Tony

 

You. Stuck under the sofa. I’ve print-screened it and sent it to all of your acquaintances.

\- Pepper

 

YOU CRUEL WENCH

\- Tony

 

It’s fine. You can barely see my face. I could be any male model, just chilling out under the couch.

\- Tony

 

Except I’ve got a close-up, too.

-Pepper

 

You know you? I don’t like you.

\- Tony

 

I’m so looking forward to my month’s holiday that starts next Tuesday, or else.

\- Pepper

 

I hope you don’t come back.

\- Tony

 

-

 

Just so you know, I’m telling father. He’s going to be so cross.

\- Unknown number

 

I SHALL TELL HIM THAT YOU COPULATED WITH A HORSE

\- Thor

 

Let’s call it a draw.

\- Unknown number

 

AND THAT YOU CAUSED A GREEN MAN TO SIT ON MY FACE

\- Thor

 

Best of three?

\- Unknown number


End file.
